Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you're a conservative radio host.
Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.

Government should relax regulation of business because
they are "self-regulating".

"Trickle-down economics" works.

"Free market capitalism" means firing your
workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her
own body, but multi-national corporations can make
decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of
homosexuals.

The best way to improve military morale is to put
a gold ribbon on your SUV and praise the troops
in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits
and combat pay.

Sexual harassment, prostitutes, and drug use are
degenerate sins unless you say you made a mistake
and ask for forgiveness, or you run for governor
of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents
won't have sex, and abstinence-only programs work.

A good way to fight terrorism is to take your shoes
off when boarding a plane.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interests of
the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming is junk science,
but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him,
a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him,
a good guy when Cheney did business with him
and a bad guy when Bush needed a
"we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named
in the Constitution, unless you want to
ban gay marriage, spy on citizens
and censor the Internet.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of
international harmony.

Torture is not really "torture", and "enhanced
interrogation" provides valuable information
to protect the country.  Just ask Jack Bauer.

Prisoners in Guantanamo should never be released,
even if they are innocent, because they must have
done something wrong to be there.

Abortion is bad but killing our young men and
women in Iraq and Afghanistan is "fighting them
over there so we don't have to fight them here."

All Muslims are evil.  All atheists are evil.
All non-christians are evil.

Elections and power are far more important than
the American people.

Remember - a Liberal is a Conservative who has
lost a job.